Hours of sleep: 7.5h
Current time: 12:36am
This is going to be another long text about nothing.
Today I:
Right now I am updating my mouse because I am so annoyed by its light. I am trying something new today: night mode on my laptop. Okay, nvm I just got the message that I can’t move onto the next stage of the update until the dongle – which I have lost – is connected. The light annoys me. I’ll just use my trackpad for now. I love this mouse but. IDK. I want to push my bedtime earlier.
I am so so so frustrated and annoyed. I am trying to be at peace about it. I thought my art would be more well received – TALE AS OLD AS TIME, innit? I thought, “no feedback, bad feedback, and good feedback – are all the same things.” I took a moment to reflect that these are all just reactions; and we don’t need to react to the 3d. Honestly, it’s a shitpost, and I have more and better art coming. The childlike limbic part of me worries, “What if I am purposefully being >skipped? What if everyone is secretly spreading rumors about me?” WHO CARES! Seriously, what if I die in 1 or 2 years from my jaw and none of this matters. What if I finish what I really care about and get a ton of money and it won’t matter one piece of fun little artwork is >skipped. And what if no one cares? Well, then it’s more “practice” (on non-reaction, or as Buddhism calls non-attachment) Honestly! There could be a million and one reason why it’s skipped. GOD I LOVE BLOGGING! I used to blog on a certain forum for each condition I have, but I think it’s better to relegate my stuff to one personal website. I honestly feel guilty “taking up” people’s time anyway reading my junk I know why I write. I just want all the thoughts OUT OF MY HEAD!
Anyway, I know in a couple of minutes I’ll get over it. I know it’s a trauma response – and it’s exactly what I need to train out of me. There is always a million and one things I want to do and make – but my nemesis (which I also need to stop freaking out about) is… MY BEDTIME! After 12pm, it’s like “oh-whoa can’t do anything too stimulating, it’s time to wind down” (can you believe I’m still so jittery and excited even though coffee was 12+ hours ago? This is pure second wind from the run and dinner. Or… maybe it was from socializing?
This morning, I wore plackers to bed. I don’t know if it helped my sleep apnea or not. But I shall continue to lose weight and stay gluten free, blog!
I had sat down because I wanted to work on the calendar portion of my website next. But I got so INFURIATED by my mouse blinking in the darkness. I tried to keep everything dark.
I felt very light and happy watching Konosuba and Scissor Seven. Scissor Seven is just too good, I wanted to savor it. So I switched to watching Konosuba. But Konosuba built up the humor tension so well, I couldn’t help but laugh so much while watching that too! And I thought, “I want to make an anime like this.” But a second part of me scolded myself, saying “you aren’t intelligent enough for this.”
Ah! The reason why I wanted to make a blog. So I can talk about the inane shenanigans that goes in my head. I was watching idubbbz’ downfall videos today. The poor lad! He was SO FUNNY and SO CONFIDENT. I actually feel like I am regaining a sense of being based and confident again; despite the little hoopla earlier, and in fact, I think the fact that I was able to take a step back and be amused by my reaction – and know that in my quest to be *most based* I MUST learn to continue drawing and doing what I want no matter the reaction – good, bad or indifferent! It’s all training, you see! It’s all mental training. I’m sure a weaker vessel will say “don’t you need to react to feedback to change course?” NO FEEDBACK – IS THE FEEDBACK! Ahem, anyway. So idubbbz made AMAZING based and funny content, until his gf sucked the life out of him, amongst other things – but you know, that “personality” that spark… I think it came from insecurity. He was so afraid that he wouldn’t be funny or creative, so he kept pushing the boundaries and making amazing stuff! It’s like, insecurity can blind you to how great you really are, but insecurity can also be your downfall. I think he was able to be molded and controlled by his gf because he was insecure or came from trauma. Or maybe he was genuinely nice and wanted to show love to a man-hating woman. So I was thinking, “what if I’m so insecure, but I’m actually great? What if insecureity doesn’t even hold you back?” So, you know, no reason not to try – why should I believe I can’t have my own anime? It just takes capital. I think, I truly think, that if I make great content, why WOULDN’T they make an anime (or animation) for me? : ) It just takes money. I think we are here on this earth to do whatever we want and get what we want. I don’t want to believe certain things are just not possible anymore. I say this while totally ignoring my complex jaw issue for which I started this blog. But like I told my friend, I want to learn to live in spite of whatever health issues arise from this. Don’t you know, 75% of people with sleep apnea are undiagnosed! So if all these MILLIONS OF PEOPLE are just living their lives anyway, I gotta let go and stop thinking “I can’t have what I want because I have sleep apnea.” I am so happy and grateful I get to tell you today about my obsession with “fallen” YouTubers, my secret dream of making a hit comedy, etc. There is nowhere else I get to talk about it so much. I know better than to hold my friends hostage about it. I know it’s a very egotistical dream but dammit… I’m gonna make it. Life is here for us to get what we want.
Speaking of, I want to get my calendar set up. And I have many things to set up. Heck, this might even be a side quest, but I may talk about my game development here too. I think “ADHD” just means you need to talk your stress out. I don’t think I have it but I think talking can sometimes prime the pump, other times it can release the motivation. I don’t know. I do want to say I started taking Zinc because the “End of Alzhiemer’s” book told me to. I am pretty mad, this is the spring time of my life. I need to create something. I am mad because I was lead astray. I was told how important school is… it isn’t. I feel that my talents would’ve been better elsewhere. But I will finish it, dammit, and then the rest of my life is mine to live. I feel like I am always chasing the feeling of freedom. “When school lets out” “when my jaw gets better” “when I get enough sleep” “when I can walk outside again without fear of dizziness” BITCH WHEN IS IT TIME TO JUST LIVE YOUR LIFE!
God bless, I think that’s all I had to say.